The 5 Worst Snacks to Bring to the Super Bowl Party

The 5 Worst Snacks to Bring to the Super Bowl Party

Ah, the Super Bowl. It came and went as quickly as JT's halftime show, or at least that's what I gathered from my Facebook feed. Most of America cozied up to the classic Super Bowl snacks yesterday: nachos, buffalo wings, spinach dip. The utility of these appetizers are clearly perfect for watching sports. They're finger-food, fatty, and pair superbly well with a beer. 

But what about the rest of us? Those of us who are having trouble believing in a classic American institution (football), when the other pillars of our country (um, democracy) are crumbling before our eyes? How can I enjoy nachos and cable network television, post-2016? 

I decided to compile a list of the most anti-Super Bowl foods that I could think of. You can enjoy these in private protest at home. Alternately, these are the foods that you can bring to a Super Bowl party to make sure that everyone else is as confused and disappointed as you are. 



The logistics of this dish are dismal while trying to watch TV. You'd have to hold the bowl in your lap, keep one hand for slurping noodles, and the other for a spoon. Where would you put your beer? Not to mention the dreaded moment where your neighbor's 8 year old asks you to teach them how to use chopsticks. 


Chicken Parmesan: hot out of oven, no utensils

The ideal Super Bowl food can be eaten without forks, knives, or plates (ie: guacamole). Boiling hot chicken parmesan... definitely the devil's finger food. Really hot mozzarella would burn the roof of your mouth. And you'd get tomato sauce all over your $120 jersey


Saltine Crackers, no dip

Saltines are the worst crackers known to man. Hospitals serve them to the sick because they have the texture of sand and the flavor of tears. Head to a Super Bowl party with an already opened box of Saltines and the host will probably understand that you don't want to be there. Off the hook! 


Unpeeled, Hard-Boiled Eggs

A task that would make anyone cringe, peeling hard boiled eggs. Fellow guests will be flaking off tiny pieces of egg shell onto the carpet. The whole room will smell like farts. 


Plain White Rice

Your lack of excitement will permeate through this dish. And it should preferably be a "boil in a bag" situation, like Uncle Ben's.